If anyone is following along, then you know I am employed by an airline. If you’re new, then know this: I have waited years for this job.

Josh asked me recently, what was my dream job? I was sitting in the passenger seat as he drove my car. Probably smoking cigarettes and kicking things out from under my feet in the floorboard. I thought about it, practically refused to say “I don’t know” and then realized, the job with the airlines was my dream job. I have always wanted to fly on planes, all over the world, for free.

If I may elaborate, I would “settle” for a job that gave me the influx of income that allowed me to fly wherever, whenever I wanted. Of course, that’s the ideal scenario. Flying first class, or private jets, no stand-by status, no economy class, no lines, no tsa. What would be my idea job to achieve that luxury and freedom? I sincerely don’t know. And to be honest, if I had extra money, I would still be a recovering poor person, and would inevitably lean towards frugality even in wealth.

I’ll never not turn a light off, if a room is empty, you know? I’ll always save a good box, or continue to stock pile grocery bags even though I’LL NEVER USE THEM ALL.

As a self-proclaimed reasonable person, the next best option has always been working for an airline, that offered their employees free travel. Flying standby aligns with my personality, my upbringing, my beliefs, and lets face it, sometimes it’s free first class. Free first class will always bring me more joy than paid-for first class.

That being said, it’s important to point out that myself and my fellow employees do not get paid “well” for not getting sucked into a JET ENGINE.

The airline I work for has a long list of nice little bonuses, employee benefits, and even the occasional profit share check. But a livable wage is not on the list. Most of my fellow employees work part time in addition to full-time jobs. When you are at the gate or the ticket counter, or you’re watching the ramp agent load/unload your luggage, that person is most likely clocking more than 70 hours in a week, just to travel 3-4 times a year to a place they could not have afforded otherwise.

It’s a beautiful and shameful thing. It’s a choice and corner. Let’s face it, sometimes baby gets put in a corner. Sometimes that corner is in first class.

What is it like to fly stand-by?

Back in the spring, I was sent to training to become a customer service agent with aforementioned airline. My instructor was an airline veteran with puns galore and wit to spare. I wrote down more quotes from him than I did notes for my job. One thing he said that always stuck with me, was this:

“Working for the airlines, is fostering your relationship with chaos. “

-Jeff

Isn’t that beautiful? Isn’t that the arc of every hero and heroine?

Being a ramp, ticket, or gate agent is being bold enough to hope for order, and being brave enough to tackle chaos.

The first time I used my benefits (flying for free) was at the end of May this year. My grandmother turned 90 and had an ice cream party in the banquet room of her residential building. She moved there recently and only knew a few people, but my mom and a few uncles were going to fly in for the ice cream and I couldn’t help but think surprising my Grandmother would be the best birthday present.

I snagged a seat on the first flight out of my place of employment, had one layover and arrived in Little Rock, Arkansas by noon. My Grandmother was so excited that I had arrived. She led me around the banquet hall, among her neighbors, bragging that I came all the way from Kentucky for her birthday party. Many of her friends were curious if I had gotten to see the Ark. I told them all, “it’s on the list!” Which was either a lie, or a omission of the fact that the list, is places I will not go to.

The whole event was a smashing success. I ate dinner with my Grandma, Mom and her siblings. We ate my Grandma’s famous cookies (seriously, the best, gooiest, unparalleled chocolate chip cookies on the planet) and drank a glass of wine. It started to rain, so I decided, in lieu of staying with my mom in her airbnb, I’d get a hotel by the airport to flyout out on the first flight.

Why do I keep insisting on the 5 am flight?

It’s simple. The odds are in my favor.

People are more likely to miss their flight in the morning, ergo, space for me to fly.

Paying people don’t typically choose to fly before the sun rises, ergo, space for me to fly.

Flight delays in the morning, mean passengers are rebooked on later flights, ergo, filling up later flights, ergo, no space for me to fly.

So, I’m eating my second (third) cookie and the consensus at my grandmother’s table is, I should drive that night and go to sleep near the airport, rather than sleep and get up at 3am to drive to the airport.

I splurge on a hotel that is practically facing the rental car drop-off, and check the availability of the flight I need in the morning.

Three seats are available.

A storm is raging outside. I make some decaf coffee and find Friends reruns on the hotel cable channels. I feel pretty good about my ambitions.

When I wake up 6 hours later, there are -14 seats.

The first flight out of Little Rock is over sold. Not only will I not get on a plane at 5am, but neither will 14 paying customers.

This is not an ideal situation.

And yet, the only way out is through.

I don’t have another option. I’m not driving home from Arkansas in a rental car. I’m not spending an extra day in Arkansas, just to try again the next morning. I have to be at work the next day, and fun fact, if I miss a shift at the airport because I’m flying for free, I LOSE MY JOB. No questions, no excuses, no exceptions.

Technically speaking, I could purchase a plane ticket. I can use my discount for a confirmed seat and not lose my job if, by some unspeakable act of god, the airlines still didn’t get me home.

However, I work for the airlines. I do not make the kind of money that allows me to spontaneously purchase one way tickets. Not even in basic economy by the bathroom in the back of the plane.

So I make a cup of coffee in my airport hotel room. Check out. Drop off my rental car and “check in” at the ticket counter. Now, I’ve already “checked in” but seeing as my first prospect is oversold, my plan is to get an agent to roll me over to the next flight at 7 am. It has zero seats available. But let’s face it, zero is better than -14. I am through TSA by 4 am. I plug in my laptop at the gate of the oversold 5 am flight and get comfy at the Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport.

Why am I at the gate for the oversold flight?

I am a glutton for punishment. Multiple timelines were created when my alarm went off, so now I will watch them all unfold simultaneously. Did I make a mistake by transferring off this first flight? Will 15 passengers not show up? Will the 5am flight be delayed, kick everyone over to the 7am flight, ergo kicking me off the flight for good, and leaving me in Little Rock for eternity?

Literally, who tf knows? I must find out.

I am now perched at the gate that was maybe not my destiny, watching the seat availability waver between -14 and zero. I double check the availability on the 7am flight that is also maybe not my destiny. It does not waver. There are zero seats available.

I watch the 5am flight delay 20-30 minutes, board all but 12 passengers and I am rewarded with a virtual pat on the back. I made the right decision. The odds were never in my favor for this flight.

It is nearly 6am so I shimmy over to the gate for my 7am flight. Double check: Zero seats available.

Notice, it is not over sold. It is not -12.

When twelve passengers did not make it on the 5am flight, the airline reservations system does not allow them to oversell the 7am flight. Passengers are booked on the next AVAILABLE FLIGHT.

So I’m sitting in a seat facing the gate, watching my name at the top of the standby list. If there is a seat, it’s mine. Standard practice is to assign standby passengers an available seat 10 minutes before boarding begins. At this time, if you are a paying customer, and you have not checked in, you have forfeited your seat to the poor, poor, fortunate souls on the “priority list”.

The gate agent, at the 10 minute mark, picks up the intercom and calls my name to the desk.

She informs me that I have the only seat. There is one seat, and it is mine. She says I am so very lucky. I share her sentiment. I have been blessed by the airline gods, the rain, the icecream, and maybe by Bill & Hillary Clinton.

Long story short, I make it back to Kentucky. I never get first class, but these little regional jets don’t have ultra fancy first class. I can manage. When I land, I sleep the rest of the night. The next day, I tell everyone that it felt like I continuously won the lottery, and immediately spent the winnings.

And here in lies my ted talk.

Anything could happen. There is no algorithm. There is no order. There is no sure bet. Not even for a paying customer. Fun fact: I flew to Little Rock in 5 hours time. My uncle, flying with a paid-for ticket, experienced 2 delays and 3 layovers. From the time he left California and arrived in Little Rock, 18 hours had passed.

Chaos!

My husband laughs at me. He says it doesn’t make any sense that I prefer flying stand-by. He thinks of me as someone who loves order. Who can’t stand to not have a plan. Who doesn’t like surprises. Who likes her ducks in a row.

I laugh with him, because it surprises me too.

And yet, I love the feeling of fortune. The feeling of winning the lottery, of luck, or kismet, or serendipity. You can’t pay for that. You can only hope that it happens.

Second, if I’m paying for a flight, then I’m paying for a hotel, and I’m getting my hopes up, and I’m investing in plans. If my flight is delayed, or there is an accident, or I lose track of time… if anything goes wrong, than I lose those deposits, those reservations, and those hopes are dashed. And I don’t make enough money to just be like, “oh well.” Flying for free? That is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I don’t make plans or raise hopes. I just show up at the airport and wait, and if I’m lucky, then I proceed forward. If I’m not, I go home.

I know what you’re thinking.

What if I get stranded?

Sure. That is always a risk. It’s a risk for paid passengers too. I’ve told plenty of passengers, after their flight was cancelled, that there was not a single seat available for two days. I could direct them to get a refund. I could search flights at near by airports, but I could not book them on a flight out of the airport they were stranded in.

Sometimes life is shit, you know?

But flying stand-by? It forces me to park at the gate, be still, and bide my time. I learn to stop trying to fix problems, or ask others for solutions. I let life, and luck, and chaos spin the proverbial wheel of fortune.

And I’ll be damned. Turns out Chaos has a better grasp on accomplishing a goal, than I do.

But that’s not all folks. Perhaps I say all of this to lull you into a false sense of optimism. Maybe my next post will be about how, two months later, I was stranded in Philadelphia for twenty hours and had a complete and utter breakdown.

They don’t call it a wheel for nothin’. What goes up, must come down. That is fostering your relationship with Chaos.